Paraprosdokians ”Figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous
situation”
(i.e. “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian).
So here’s the dealio. I thought I’d lighten things up today with the bit of humor so many of us are in need of. If I make you smile, then I will have accomplished my daily goal. If I make you laugh, well then, I will have exceeded my goal. If you do neither, then you could say that I will have failed at this, or I could look at it from another angle and just insist that you have not done well with getting your Happy on. But I do not think that the latter will happen. I have faith in your Happy Skills today, dear reader!
The following is a list of paraprosdokians for you to enjoy:
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright
until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then
proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn’t work that way.
So I
stole a car, and asked for forgiveness.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to
skydive twice.
17. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
18. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can’t get away.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
20. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit, a target.
22. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than
standing in a
garage makes you a car.
25. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you look forward to the trip.
26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish
they were.
27. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon,
and a shot of tequila.
28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water .
